The effect of invalidation

Dr Michelle King discusses the important topic of when your emotions are unseen and how invalidation impacts your healing journey.

You can listen to this article below, or by using your favourite podcast player at pod.link/oncologybuddies

Living with a diagnosis of cancer often brings with it a whirlwind of emotions: fear, grief, anger, sadness, and hope. Not all these emotions are seen, even by those closest to you.

This is the bit that people don’t talk about as it may be too painful or uncomfortable. Invalidation.

They are those moments when your emotional experiences are dismissed as exaggerated, inconvenient, or even irrational. Invalidation can come from well-meaning family or friends who don’t understand. Or from healthcare professionals who focus only on your test results. Sometimes it can come from within yourself.

Family and friends: “But you look fine…”

Emotional invalidation from loved ones can take many subtle forms.

Minimising feelings: “You just had a good scan—why are you still upset?”

Well-meaning fixes: “Just stay positive!” or “Try an all-juice diet, it works wonders.”

Comparisons: “At least your cancer isn’t like Aunt Mary’s, hers is awful.”

These responses may come from love but end up making you feel unseen, unheard, and deeply alone.

From doctors: a matter-of-fact dismissal

Doctors can unintentionally invalidate you when they:

Focus on your lab results without acknowledging how scared you are.

Rush appointments, cutting off any discussion about your feelings.

Respond to your emotions with medical advice instead of empathy. For example: “You’re anxious? Let me prescribe you some…”

Research shows that when healthcare providers offer validating communication (simple acknowledgement and reflective listening), it improves emotional well-being and makes it easier for you to talk about the difficult things.

Self-invalidation: your internal critic

Sometimes the harshest voice is your own. Thoughts like:

“Why am I crying? Everyone else handles this better.”

“I shouldn’t feel tired after chemo—it’s not that bad.”

These are forms of self-invalidation. The problem with this negative self-talk is that it builds shame, cuts off self-compassion, and deepens emotional distress.

Why invalidation hurts

Studies show that validating responses build emotional resilience, while invalidation does the opposite; it fuels stress and anxiety. Emotionally-invalidating environments can lead to depression, anxiety, reduced self-esteem, and evenslow down the healing process.

Self-validation

Here’s how to practise:

1. Notice your self-talk

Listen for thoughts starting with “I should” or “I need to just…”, these often signal internal criticism.

2. Label the emotion

“I feel exhausted, scared, frustrated.” Identifying the emotion reduces its power.

3. Understand its source

Ask yourself: Why now? “I’m tired because of chemo”, “I’m scared because of the scan results.”

4. Respond with compassion

Speak kindly: “This is really hard, and I’m doing the best I can.”

5. Journal or reflect

Writing can be therapeutic and can reinforce self-kindness.

Getting others to listen: practical tips

With family and friends

Open with emotional honesty: “I’m sharing this with you because it matters to me.”

Invite curiosity, not judgment: “Can you help me understand how you’re seeing this?”

Set boundaries: If their response is dismissive, it’s okay to say, “That doesn’t help me feel heard.”

With doctors

Say how you feel: “I’m really worried about recurrence—can you talk me through the numbers?”

Ask for emotional space: “Can we spend a minute on how I’m coping?”

Take a trusted partner: A friend or family member can hold space for emotional needs when consultations feel rushed.

Why validation matters

When others validate you, you feel less alone, more understood—and better able to ask for help. Healthcare teams who remain emotionally present empower you to speak up, report symptoms, and engage in shared decision-making.

Validation isn’t a luxury, it’s a lifeline.

Final takeaway

For those of you on a cancer journey, validation is not optional, it’s survival. Validate yourself, by listening to your emotions with kindness and curiosity. Invite others to do the same. With honesty, clarity, and boundaries.

When your feelings are held, acknowledged, even in the face of uncertainty, you can reclaim agency over your life. And that is healing too.