Why your words matter

Dr Lizanne Langenhoven touches on an important topic: why your words matter when speaking to someone who has cancer.

You can listen to this article below, or by using your favourite podcast player at pod.link/oncologybuddies

It may surprise you to hear that even as an oncologist, someone who talks to people with cancer every day, I don’t always know the right thing to say. After nearly a decade of walking this journey with patients, I’ve learned that every person’s experience with cancer is profoundly unique. Their personalities, fears, families, faith…it all shapes the way they cope.

Despite all my training and best intentions, I’ve gotten it wrong more times than I care to admit. I’ve said things that landed badly, tried to comfort in ways that missed the mark, and had to apologise for words that caused unintentional hurt. That’s the humbling truth: no one gets this perfectly right.

What matters most is that we try. That we speak with kindness, listen with empathy, and forgive ourselves when we stumble.

The messy truth about talking to someone with cancer

When someone you love is diagnosed with cancer, it can feel as if the ground beneath you has shifted. You want to help. You want to say the right thing. 

But often, fear or uncertainty silences you…or worse, you say something that causes pain when you meant to offer comfort.

It helps to remember that the person with cancer is fighting a battle no one can fully understand. Every word you speak has the potential to either soothe or sting. So, before you talk, it’s worth pausing to ask yourself: am I saying this for them…or for me?

What not to say

Let’s start with the phrases that, though often well-meant, tend to hurt more than they help.

• “My uncle had the same cancer, and he didn’t make it.”

Please don’t. People with cancer don’t need horror stories…they need hope.

• “Everything happens for a reason.”

While meant to comfort, this can feel dismissive of real pain and fear.

• “Have you tried this miracle cure I read about online?” 

 Endless advice and unproven remedies can confuse and overwhelm someone already drowning in info.

• “Others have it worse.” 

Suffering is not a competition. Every person’s pain deserves validation.

Even silence is better than these. If you can’t find the right words, a simple “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here” is more powerful than you might imagine.

What to say…and do

You don’t need perfect words. What you need is presence.

Here are phrases that tend to open hearts rather than close them:

• “I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”
• “I can’t imagine how you feel, but I’m here to listen.”
• “You’re not alone. I’ll try to support you in the ways you need.”

It’s less about fixing things, and more about witnessing your loved one’s journey with love and humility.

Think of it like a wedding: the bride gets to be the centre of attention on her special day. In the same way, anyone with cancer deserves to make their diagnosis about them, it needs to be their story, their way and pace. No upstaging. No competing narratives. No “Crying babies at the ceremony,” as a patient once joked.

When we truly centre the person who is ill, we stop trying to make our discomfort go away and start helping their discomfort ease a little.

Listen like you mean it

One of my patients told her friends she needed warriors in her corner…people who would speak words of power and courage, not fear or confusion. That’s the kind of listener you can be. 

When you talk to someone with cancer:

• Listen fully. Don’t interrupt, correct, or jump to advice.
• Be present. Maintain gentle eye contact, an open posture, and a calm tone.Validate emotions. Say things like,  “I can see how hard this is for you.”
• Keep promises. If you offer to help, follow through.

Sometimes, the most healing sentence is simply: “I’m here.”

Be gentle…with them, and with yourself

You’ll say the wrong thing sometimes. We all do. What matters is what you do next. A sincere apology, an open heart, and the willingness to keep showing up matter far more than perfect phrasing.

Deep and meaningful relationships aren’t built on perfection…they are built on trust, forgiveness, and authenticity.

Cancer conversations are rarely neat or easy. They’re often raw, emotional, and unpredictable. But when you speak with empathy and listen with love, it doesn’t really matter if you fumble your words. What matters is that you care, and that you keep caring.

In the end, your presence is the most powerful medicine of all.

Dr Lizanne Langenhoven is a clinical and radiation oncologist at Panorama Mediclinic and forms part of a multi-disciplinary unit of excellence in the treatment of breast cancer at the Panorama Centre for Surgical Oncology.

Header image by Freepik