Richard Laskey – Open your eyes and look within

Richard Laskey candidly talks about his struggle with addiction even during his late wife’s cancer diagnosis and how he chose to get sober and live a life he is satisfied with.

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Richard Laskey (52) lives in Bedfordview, Gauteng with his fiancée, Isabel, and their blended family of children (aged 24, 21, 19, 17, and 13). 

Richard is the first to admit that he wasn’t the model husband or father while married to Melanie, his late wife. He has a history of addiction and even when she was diagnosed with cancer, the addiction was prevalent. But today, he is sober and helping others overcome addiction. He has found new love which came with two additional children whom he adores, and his relationships with his biological daughters are thriving. 

Melanie’s diagnosis 

Twelve years into Richard’s marriage to Melanie, in 2009, she was diagnosed with adrenocortical carcinoma, a rare, aggressive cancer that develops in the outer layer of the adrenal glands, at the age of 35. The cancer had spread to her liver and stomach. 

Due to this cancer never be seen or treated in SA, a specialist from the UK was flown to SA to perform a never-done-before operation where 11cm of her inferior vena cava (largest vein in the body, responsible for returning deoxygenated blood from the lower part of body to the heart) was removed and replaced with pig’s intestines.  

Richard recalls, “She was advised to write a letter to all of us saying goodbye in case the op wasn’t successful, and in the case that the op was successful that she agreed to have chemotherapy thereafter.”

Their daughters Tanika, Skyla, and Maddison were aged eight, six, and two at the time. 

Chemotherapy was delayed as Melanie got an infection due to the sutures being removed too soon. Within two months the cancer spread to both lungs while undergoing chemotherapy. This was discovered when she was rushed to hospital as she wasn’t feeling well; she spent 20 days in high care. “This was hard for the kids as they weren’t allowed to visit but luckily there was a two-way glass where they could look at her,” Richard says. 

Swimming with dolphins 

Richard had a frank conversation with the doctor about Melanie and decided to make her dream of swimming with dolphins come true. He planned a family holiday to Mozambique and Melanie’s sister joined and her dream became a reality. Sadly, that was the last holiday Richard and his three daughters got to spend with Melanie. 

Richard was planning a big party for her 37^th birthday as he knew she wouldn’t make it to her 40^th. “It was a week before her birthday and I was helping her bath and she told me that she wasn’t going to make it to Saturday (her birthday). She was always positive; this was the first time she had ever said something like this,” Richard says. 

Richard took her to hospital the next day as she was in immense pain. Scans were arranged but Melanie had a brain haemorrhage. The kids and family went to the hospital to say their goodbyes and 12 hours later she passed away, three days before her 37^th birthday on 12 October 2010. “The girls at least got to hold her hand while saying goodbye.”

The saving love of aunties 

Richard’s daughters started play therapy and counselling when Melanie got diagnosed. “My sister and sister-in-law who are both psychologists were instrumental in this and for holding everything together when I couldn’t. When Melanie died, I looked like I was handling everything, doing lunches, cooking dinner but once that was done, I would go drinking. It was my eldest Tanika who brought her sisters up,” Richard says.

The reality of addiction

During this time, there were two interventions by family where they wanted to take the girls away from Richard. 

When asked if Melanie getting diagnosed with cancer was a trigger for his addiction, he responds, “The right answer is yes, it played a major role, but the more truthful answer was no, it just gave me a really good excuse as why I was doing what I was doing.”   

Richard goes on to say, “My entire marriage I was a rubbish. For seven of those years, I was in alcoholics anonymous. Not because I wanted to stop, I had no intention to. I was just doing it to check everyone’s boxes.”

Getting sober

In 2018, Richard met Isabel but was involved in a freak accident of falling down the stairs while he was intoxicated which landed him in ICU for a month. 

“I got septicaemia and was basically rotting from the inside. My kids came in and said they had already lost one parent and don’t want to lose another one. Isabel told me that she wasn’t cut out for this way of living. Right there and then I decided to get sober. Once I was discharged, I booked myself into rehab and that was six and a half years ago,” Richard says.

Giving back and making amends

A year before Melanie was diagnosed, Richard got involved with The Cows, a group of people who use their lifestyle goals, like running, to raise money for CHOC Childhood Cancer Foundation South Africa. His recent fundraiser was running the gruelling 56km Two Oceans Marathon in a cow suit.

Once he was clean, he started a group called I Got You where other people with a history of addiction, anxiety, and depression have daily check-ins and if they are struggling reach out to Richard for support and guidance. “This isn’t counselling but support, it’s a way for me to give back and make amends for all of my misdemeanours,” he says.

He also started Dads Assisting Dads where dads who have lost partners can talk to each other. “You normally bounce ideas off your partner when it comes to your kids, so this group allows dads to bounce off ideas or problems they are dealing with, with other dads.” 

Restoring relationships

To regain trust with his daughters, it took time, openness, honesty, Richard proving himself to them, and a lot of forgiveness from their side. “Like I tell the people in the I Got You group, we have failed our loved ones so many times that we are only a mistake away from failing them again, so it’s a process to regain that trust and safety,” Richard explains. “What I do continuously every day is another way to show them that I’m a better person to what I was.”

Richard feels Tanika took the biggest toll as she took on the mother role and didn’t really experience childhood. “She was the mother and I was the child. It’s only the last six years that she has been able to live her life. Though it took her a while to find her place as she had to adjust to Isabel being the mom now and me being a dad.”

“With Maddison being so young when Melanie passed away, it didn’t really affect her though Skyla struggled and had to adapt to her older sister now being the mom.”

Happy blended family

To Richard, Isabel is the matriarch, the glue that holds all of them together, and the voice of reason. “She’s incredible, she has so much to offer and so much love to give and you can feel it in our home. If anyone had to sit at our family dinner table, they would blush. We speak about anything and everything. We would rather have our children asking us then trying behind our backs.”

He adds, “We have a family wall in our house where there are photos of Melanie and of Isabel and her ex-husband. He is still a part of our lives as Isabel and him still run businesses together, so we have a very cool blended family.”

In closing Richard says he isn’t looking for recognition but trying to make a small difference every day and lives by the words in Bob Marley’s song Exodus: Open your eyes and look within. Are you satisfied with the life you’re living? which he has tattooed on his chest.