Fear: conversations worth having

Julianne Yates explores why talking openly about fear with family and loved ones is an essential part of navigating a cancer diagnosis.

Fear is one of the most predominant feelings that accompanies a cancer diagnosis. Regardless of the stage, location, and prognosis, cancer stirs fear in everyone. For patients it may be the fear of treatment, side effects, even death. And for families of these patients, there is fear for their loved one, as well as fear for themselves regarding their ability to care for their loved one, or their inability to change what is happening. 

Fear of talking about fear

Fear is prominent, and understandably so. But what strikes me most with patients and their families, is the fear of talking about fear. I have seen so many families who don’t want to talk to their loved one about what they are afraid of. They don’t want to bring up the what ifs and the worst-case scenario, even though they themselves are grappling with these thoughts. 

Some patients also struggle to talk to their family about their own fears. These fears can range from fear of treatment side effects, fear of their own ability to stay strong and withstand what is to come, fear of looking different or being treated differently, and fear of scan results and bad news. 

There is a natural (and beautiful) tendency to want to protect the people  you love. And you may often do this by avoiding the difficult, scary conversations. Often family members say that they don’t want to burden their loved ones by speaking about what scares them. They don’t want to upset each other by speaking about their deepest fears. 

While the intention is good, the outcome is often that it leaves people feeling alone. And being alone with your fear makes it even more frightening. We often hear Just think positive, Stay strong, or Everything will be alright and while these phrases can be helpful, they can also close the door on connection. What speaks with more love and acceptance is It’s okay to tell me anything, and whatever happens I’ll be here with you.

Open the hard conversations

The magic happens when conversations are opened; when family members or loved ones get to say what they really feel, even when it’s hard to hear. 

Being told about someone’s fear doesn’t mean you have to solve it. All you have to do is witness it and be with them in it, so they are no longer alone. Strength comes when you feel that you are truly seen and supported, even in your hardest moments. 

To know that you are not alone in your fear tends to diminish it to some degree. 

I encourage everyone, be it someone fighting cancer or those supporting  someone with it, open the door to the hard conversations. Allow the fears to be spoken because everyone has them, and speaking about them doesn’t burden others, it fosters connection.

If you don’t have someone to talk to, please seek the help of a counsellor. Fear  will be there, understandably, but so will love, joy, connection, and hope.

Julianne Yates is a psychologist with a special interest in palliative counselling. She has the privilege of working with people who have life-altering and terminal illnesses. She is incredibly passionate about working with patients as well as their families to help them manage the emotional and social struggles that their illness might bring. Together with a multi-disciplinary team, she ensures that her patients are supported in every way throughout their journey.

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